Chris:   Hi Derek, I own a Rolex Submariner, 3135 cal. I accidently dropped it into the goldfish bowl the other day when feeding the fish and on attempting to remove it was roundly attacked by the goldfish who now won’t let me get at it. If I try to it savages my fingers. Do you think my watch will suffer from being constantly immersed in cold water?

Derek:  Goodness Chris. This is a new one on me. A goldfish being aggressive over a Rolex. Regarding the watch I don’t think it will come to any harm. It is, after all, a Submariner. Regarding the fish I think your best approach would be to strap the little bugger, bowl and all, to the back of your bicycle and take it for a very long ride, preferably in the scorching heat of a mid-summers day until the horrid little shit dies. You will then be in a good position to recover your treasured Rolex without any risk of damage to your digits.

I regularly kill fish this way. It’s a tried and tested method of mine, despite the protestations of animal lovers throughout the country. Hope this helps.

Keith:  Hi Derek, I’d like to ask the question that I’m sure everyone wants to know the answer to. Is your surname really Twat?

Derek: Well Keith the simple answer to this is no. But, for as long as I can remember everyone has always called me Twat to such a degree that I can no longer remember my real name. Consequently the name Twat has stuck to me like dog poo hurled at a window on a hot summers day.

Keith: Cheers Derek. For the record I think you’re a Twat too. The name suits you.

Roger: Hi Derek, I’ve recently purchased an Omega Speed Master and find that it intermittently stops when worn. Been to the jewellers and they reckon £450 to £600 service costs which I can’t afford. What do you recommend?

Derek: Yes Roger, the service costs certainly sound steep. I recommend a do it yourself job like I would do, with a butter knife if you have one. Force off the back and see what you can do with WD40. If this doesn’t work, refit the back and then send it to an unsuspecting repairer claiming there’s nothing wrong with it and it just needs looking over. After that, attempt to blame them when things aren’t right and for gods sake don’t return it under warranty. A word of advice, before doing this make sure you don’t have any significantly valued  assets that may be painful to lose in case of unpredictable litigation. I speak from personal experience.

Roger: Cheers Derek, what repairer might you suggest?