I’m an arrogant man and asked Woodland Technical to provide me with the flattest watch they could find. I demanded it be no more the 2mm thick. I didn’t mind if it was quartz. They advised that to locate a watch as thin as this would be difficult as the movement thickness would be problematic. I ordered them to source me a very flat watch or suffer the consequences. They said they would see what they could do. I didn’t thank them because I’m bloody rude like that and left my very costly Raymond Weil with them for service as it had stopped, advising that I wouldn’t pay above £10 to have it fixed. I have received my Raymond Weil back from them in the post. It’s still not working and appears to have been run over by a car tyre, judging by the tread marks on it. The watch is now just under 2mm thick. An enclosed note advised that the watch is beyond reasonable economic repair and recommended I buy another one. Not sure what to say now.

Darius Majorfart (Netherfondle, Clapwarrington)

Hi, my name is Derek and you can probably guess I’m from Birmingham. Woodland Technical overhauled a Zenith Elite for me which I bought damaged from an auction. They returned the watch to me with a 12 month guarantee. I noted it was losing around 4 seconds a month so, as you do, I prised off the back to adjust this outrageous timing error and afterwards noted that the balance spring was buckled and the watch was gaining 10 minutes a day. Rather than return the watch under guarantee I considered it appropriate to send a number of offensive and libelous emails to Woodland Technical criticizing the shoddy workmanship which had originally forced me to open the watch, break the warranty seal and damage the balance spring. Woodland Technical successfully sued me and left me destitute and homeless. I believe that they took an extended world cruise funded by the excessive damages I had to pay.

Derek Twat (Erdington)

These guys are great. I hurled. My watch – lovely. They had a beautiful cat in their workshop called Banjo. He was brown and someone had sellotaped his tail to the skirting boards. He was yowling with pleasure. The night was dark and I left through the back passage.

Ranyard Thunderfart (Crosswell Lunatic Asylum, Scrotum Fen, Runty)

Hi, I was delighted with the work that Woodland Technical did to my Omega. I had taken it to another repairer and it went wrong in days. When Woodland Technical looked at it for me they found that the other repairer had used all the wrongs lubricants and had even applied car grease in large measures to the winding gears etc. This had got into the movement and onto the dial, causing plate damage and damage to the dial surface. The guys and WT put this right for me and even went as far as visiting the other repairer and burning down his garden shed. Well Done!

Mr Arun Prosticle (Lanarkshire)

I had been looking for ages to find someone who could repair my late mother’s gold watch, who knew what they were doing and were affordable. A friend recommended Woodland Technical to me having said what a fantastic servicing they had given her. I was delighted with the work they did for me. Every jeweller I had been to had turned me away claiming that the watch had no value and it was unlikely it could be repaired. Obviously, this is because jewellers are total bastards and know nothing (well not worth knowing anyway). My mother’s watch is now running perfectly and the case and crystal have been restored and replaced. I can’t thank Woodland Technical enough for repairing it for me, even though the man I met was very plain and extremely boring. God he was boring. What’s more I understand he’s married. Poor woman.

Ms Genella Creamrub (Epping)

I took my Omega over to Woodland Technical for a new battery, having had a local jeweller butcher it by trying to fit the wrong sized battery. They repaired the damaged contacts and supplied a new battery whilst I waited. The chaps at Woodland Technical are tremendous men and, if I wasn’t already having a meaningful relationship with my half-brother Rodney, I’d want to give them a big girlie kiss and fondle their bottoms.

Farrington Dinnerservice (Rottingham Down)

I took my Landeron 248 Chronograph to Woodland Technical as it had started working erratically and the chronograph function wasn’t operating. They overhauled the movement and re-timed it and advised that the problems had occurred as the secondary gold back cover was missing and moisture was getting in and damaging the movement. They advised I needed a replacement cover but the watch is over 50 years old and they’re not easy to come by. I couldn’t believe it when they contacted me to say they had made a secondary back cover for the watch using see through acrylic so as not to detract from the watches original look. I was really happy. They also repaired the lugs where someone had drilled them to fit the strap! I can’t speak highly enough about the work they did, although I was less than impressed by the constant references the watchmaker made to sightings of sinister shadows in the woods and black riders. Also, the workshop was clouded with pipe smoke and there were a number of dwarves singing songs about dragons in a dark corner of the room, seated around an electric fan heater.

Blaze Catwalloper (Dudley)

Squirrels do not commonly require the use of an expensive wristwatch and I am no exception in this respect. It is therefore with a sense of extreme annoyance that I write this review, having had a very expensive timepiece foisted upon me by those idiots at Woodland Technical. It cost a pretty sum too, for which, I must admit, I had to sell my sexual services to some local lady squirrels (and one man squirrel too…..!?**@!) in order to raise the necessary funds.

Naturally I did with the watch what any self respecting squirrel would do, I buried it deep in the mud with my hoard of tasty nuts.

I struggle to find anything even slightly nice to say about the arseholes at Woodland Technical, particularly as earlier this year they, having decided to build new premises for the business, appeared early one morning at the base of my tree, with a rather large chainsaw and cut the f**king thing down! I was in the bath at the time! And this just to make space for the shabby little hut they so proudly call a workshop. Bastards!

Also, regarding the watch, I am deeply unimpressed as, having dug it up last week, having not used it these last six months, being it was buried in the mud, it no longer bloody well works. I don’t expect that from a Rolex. They can’t be very good technicians…probably absolute crap actually.

As a rule I am not a vindictive animal nor do I normally employ unpleasant language. Sadly, my encounter with these villainous bottom bandits has rendered me extremely bitter and very foul-mouthed.

Fecundo Mattress (a grey squirrel – of no fixed abode…anymore actually…bastards!!!)